An Imagined Interview with Thomas Ligotti

The following interview was conducted over the phone, in my mind, with ‘master of the macabre’ horror author, Thomas Ligotti. They say “never meet your heroes,” and while I technically didn’t, I still think the old adage rings true. It wasn’t a very productive conversation, given the numerous tech issues, many of which could be attributed to Ligotti’s (what I imagined to be) poor grasp of modern technology. That aside, I was happy to have the chance to imagine what it would be like to speak to one of my biggest inspirations.

Phil Rot: Hey Thomas.

Thomas Ligotti: Hello?

Phil Rot: It’s Phil.

Thomas Ligotti: Phil?

Phil Rot: Yeah, Phil Rot, I’m the guy that-

Thomas Ligotti: Oh! Hi Phil. Sorry, I was just boiling some broccoli, and I completely forgot about the interview.

Phil Rot: (chuckles) It’s okay, it happens.

Thomas Ligotti: Yeah, well–hold on a minute, I’m getting another call.

Phil Rot: It’s okay, we can–

Thomas Ligotti: Hold on, let me check and see…oh, it’s Sandra. Hey, Phil, I’m gonna put you on hold for just a minute, okay?

Phil Rot: Yeah, sure.

Thomas Ligotti: Okay, hi, Sandra?

Phil Rot: …

Thomas Ligotti: Sandra, you there?

Phil Rot: It’s Phil.

Thomas Ligotti: Oh, shoot. I don’t know how to–hold on, one second.

Phil Rot: It’s okay.

Thomas Ligotti: Okay, Sandra? Oh darn it–lost the call. Hey Phil, can I call you right back?

Phil Rot: Yeah, no problem.

Thomas Ligotti: Okay, hold on, I’ll call you right back.

Phil Rot: Sure.

(We both hang up.)

(A second later, Thomas calls back.)

Thomas Ligotti: Hi, Sandra, I’m sorry I missed your call. I was just in the middle of something–

Phil Rot: It’s Phil.

Thomas Ligotti: Huh?

Phil Rot: Hi, it’s still Phil.

Thomas Ligotti: Oh darn it, hold on, I must have hit the ‘re-dial’ button on accident. Here, I’ll call you back.

Phil Rot: No problem.

(We both hang up.)

(A second later, Thomas calls back.)

Thomas Ligotti: Sandra, I’m so sorry–oh wait, is this–hold on, I’m getting another call–hello?

Phil Rot: It’s Phil.

Thomas Ligotti: Oh crud, I thought I was calling my daughter back–and she’s calling me back right now, dang it–hold on.

(We both hang up.)

(A second later, Thomas calls back.)

Thomas Ligotti: Hey Phil, look, I’m going to have to just call her back later. These dang smart phones.

Phil Rot: I know, they’re so dumb.

Thomas Ligotti: Yeah, they oughta call ‘em ‘stupid phones’–oh, wait, it’s Sandra, she’s trying to get through again, hold on phil–

Phil Rot: No worries.

Thomas Ligotti: Hi, Sandra? Is this Sandra?

Phil Rot: It’s Phil. We didn’t hang up. I just stayed on the line. I thought you were switching over to speak with your daughter.

Thomas Ligotti: No–darn it! I thought I hit the dang button. These dumb smartphones. Okay, how about this, I’ll hang up, manually dial my dang daughter’s number, talk to her–see what the hell she wants–and then I’ll call you right back, okay?

Phil Rot: Yeah, that’s ok, just one thing, really quick, did you get those books I sent you?

Thomas Ligotti: I really have to call her back.

Phil Rot: Okay, yeah, no problem!

Thomas Ligotti: Okay, call you back.

(We both hang up.)

(A second later, Thomas calls back.)

Thomas Ligotti: Sandra, honey, hi. Sheesh, you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to take a call in the middle of another call on these dang smart phones. They should called them ‘retarded phones.’

Phil Rot: I know

Thomas Ligotti: Ah dang it. This is Phil, isn’t it?

Phil Rot: Yeah, it’s me.

Thomas Ligotti: Well, fiddlesticks. It sure is hard to use these dang smart phones. I hate em. Give me an old fashioned ‘tone n dial’ any day.

Phil Rot: Yeah, right?

Thomas Ligotti: Yeah, the old ‘tone n’ dial.’ That’s what I want.

Phil Rot: Did you get those books I sent you?

Thomas Ligotti: Books?

Phil Rot: Yeah, I sent a couple of books to your address.

Thomas Ligotti: My address?

Phil Rot: Yeah. I sent you The Raft, The Moon is–

Thomas Ligotti: Where did you find my address?

Phil Rot: AI. ChatGPT.

Thomas Ligotti: What’s that?

Phil Rot: It’s like WebShark, but really fast, and it can do anything in the entire world.

Thomas Ligotti: That’s incredible. Will it write my books for me?

Phil Rot: Yeah, it can even write them better than you.

Thomas Ligotti: Well, shucks, that’s hardly an accomplishment (chuckles).

Phil Rot: (Chuckles)

Thomas Ligotti: Can you give me that website–

Phil Rot: It said your address is 5137 S. Idlebreek Ln, Tampa, FL 70325.

Thomas Ligotti: Yep, that’s it! Holy smokes. I'd better be careful. One of my crazy fans might drive up to my house with a YETI cooler full of C4 explosives, leave it under my truck, rig it to the ignition, and then wait for me to come out and film it all and upload it to Ligotti.net for all of my fans to see.

Phil Rot: Yeah, having that information available to the public is very unsafe for you.

Thomas Ligotti: Can you tell it to take it off?

Phil Rot: No, it’s owned by Peter Thiel and Miriam Adelson; someone would have to [redacted] them both if they wanted that information permanently scrubbed from ChatGPT.

Thomas Ligotti: You said I would have to kill them?

Phil Rot: No, no, no, I just mean someone would have to physically fly to the Middle East, find Peter Thiel and Miram Adelson and [redacted] if they wanted their personal information permanently removed from ChatGPT

Thomas Ligotti: Sheesh, I don’t even know who those people are.

Phil Rot: They’re Saudis.

Thomas Ligotti: Well, there ya go. Hopefully, our president can wipe them off the face of the Earth. I sure would like to see that happen in my lifetime. Say, what’s that website again–the one that will write your books for you?

Phil Rot: Grok?

Thomas Ligotti: Yeah, how do you spell that?

Phil Rot: G-R-O-K.

Thomas Ligotti: ‘B’, ‘R–’

Phil Rot: No, ‘G.’ Not ‘B.’

Thomas Ligotti: Oh dang it, okay, hold on, so you said–wait a minute–ah, that’s Sandra, she’s trying to get through again.

Phil Rot: It’s been great speaking with you, Mr. Ligotti. Please read those books I sent you.

Thomas Ligotti: Yep.

Phil Rot: Okay, bye.

Thomas Ligotti: Yep.