HANKY PANKY NOHOW, Starring Thurston Moore
A Play in Several Acts
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before we begin tonight’s performance, if you haven’t yet, be sure to pick up a copy of Tales of the Unreal Volume 6, featuring me, Phil Rot, and twelve other amazing authors. It’s a collection of weird nautical tales guaranteed to transport you to a world of whimsy and wonder. Use this link or simply ask a trusted friend to order it for you.
And now, without further interruption, the Stage Right Conservative Theater Company is proud to present…
Hanky Panky Nohow
A Play in Several Acts
By Phil Rot
Cast (in Order of Appearance)
Thurston Moore - gangly 20-something indie rocker on his way to international stardom.
Nude Kim Gordon - The lifeless corpse of Kim Gordon sliced down the center of her body.
Two Foot Tall Kim Gordon - A nude, two foot tall Kim Gordon marionette operated by a team of puppeteers from above.
Steven Crowder - Popular conservative comedian dressed in a funny, right wing t shirt and blazer.
Robert Cooperman - Jewish conservative playwright and founder of Stage Right Theater Company.
Phil Rot - Celebrated playwright and author of The Raft.
ACT 1
Setting: Two made beds, between which is a nightstand with a 90s hotel telephone and a lamp. Dim lighting and gentle fog. The year is 1994. THURSTON MOORE is sitting on a made bed on the third floor of a Best Western Hotel in Austin, Texas, phone in one hand. On the bed beside him is a nude woman who has been sliced down the center of her body. Her arms and legs are also split open at the center. He is dressed in plaid boxers and a white, blood-stained Daniel Johnston T-shirt.
[Music fades in: Mama Told Me Not to Come by Three Dog Night]
[Music fades out]
[Lights up]
THURSTON MOORE: (Coughs away from phone) Ohayo gozaimasu. Heh. Hey Kathleen Hannah… Yeah, it’s Thurston… chillin’ like a villain, heh. Yo, check this out, so remember I was saying how cool it would be for you to fly out for the Bull video… No, no, Bull in the Heather, the song, haha… yeah, so I was talking to the guys and, like, everyone thinks it would be really cool. We’ve been listening to the Revolution Girl Style Now tape on repeat since Boston. Wicked cool stuff. Also, I’ve got a sheet of that Garfield Acid leftover from Holland, and, like, we could all do it and be totally crazy for the shoot… Yeah, I talked to Kris and he’s totally cool with it. I mean, I don’t care either way… Ha ha, right, but yeah, so I guess Kim had, like, one of her bitch-outs about it-... No, like, I mean bitch as in, like, complaining, you know, men can do it, women can do it, I dunno, I never thought of ‘bitch’ as like a gender thing, ya know… Yeah, I can see what you mean, sorta… yeah, anyway, she was like all weird and quiet about it and I was thinking like maybe it’s some hormonal thing, like, with the uterus… No, you know, women have hormonal stuff when they’re having blood… no, it’s cool, it’s not a judgment thing at all, like, it’s kind of beautiful in a way, you know… Look, not everything has to be a- ummm, nevermind. Hey, here’s the thing, I was like, kinda pissed at her cause it seemed like she was trying to say I couldn’t fly you out for the video and, like, it’s kinda lame to, like, kinda gatekeep who I can and can’t hang out with so I was like, ‘well, let’s talk about it later.’ She was all like ‘no, tell me right now, are you trying to fuck her?’ and I was like ‘holy fuck, is this what this is about?’ So lame, right?... yeah, but like, it wasn’t about sleeping with you, I mean, if we did that would be weird, kinda cool, haha, but no, like, you’re a good friend of ours, so it shouldn’t be weird at all, right…
(THURSTON sits up from his bed and walks over to the body on the other bed)
THURSTON: Yeah, no, I did… Yeah, I checked and there is a two- or maybe three-foot Kim Gordon inside her… Yeah, I was totally right, like, we were doing nitrous all night and I figured, ya know, I filled up a balloon with that, like, other gas I got in Mexico and she hit it like the usual stuff and she was, like, lights out…
(THURSTON gently pulls back the skin flaps on the body as he talks into the phone)
THURSTON: No, she’s still alive and stuff, but like, the tiny her that was hiding inside of her, like, its so weird though, like, it’s like that little brain dude in Ninja Turtles where its, like, this little guy piloting a bigger guy, or like that scene in Aliens where Ripley gets in the robot suit thing, but yeah, I was totally right…
(THURSTON walks back to the bed and sits down. He wipes his forehead, inadvertently smearing it with blood.)
THURSTON: So yeah, can’t wait for you to meet small Kim. Heh… Yeah, no, the offer still stands, I can’t wait for you to try out this Garfield acid, it’s totally nuts, I had to wrestle Lee off some old lady he accused of molesting him when he was, like, 9… No yeah, he was totally naked and screaming at this poor little Chinese cleaning lady, hehe, holy fuck that was wild… Yeah, start off small, exactly… Alright, smell ya later.
(THURSTON hangs up the phone and lights a cigarette. His leg shakes impulsively, he glances at the body in the other bed.)
THURSTON: (To NUDE KIM GORDON) Any minute now, the real you will wake up, and when she does- I mean when you does- I mean, uh, when you do, uh, nevermind.
NUDE KIM GORDON: (Does nothing)
(THURSTON picks up the acoustic guitar hidden beneath the bedsheets and begins to play Badfish by Sublime, messing up the intro several times and flubbing some of the lyrics. He is still learning the song. After finishing the song, THURSTON drops his still-lit cigarette into the soundhole of the guitar and sets it on the bed.)
THURSTON: (To himself) I’m gonna go to the 7-11 to get some snacks. (To the audience) Hey everyone, I’m gonna need your help. If you see the tiny Kim get up and start walking around, I want everyone to clap three times really, really loud! If you clap loud enough, I’ll come running back. Do you think you can do that for me? (Pause for audience response) I can’t hear you! (Pause for audience response) Totally far out. Alright, enjoy the intermission, ya’ll, and I’ll smell ya later. (Walk off stage right)
[Music fade in: That Smell by Lynard Skynard]
[Audience applause]
[Fade to black]
[117-minute Intermission, during which the Jeopardy song is played on repeat for the duration]
ACT 2
Setting: Same dimly lit hotel room. The nude body of Kim Gordon is still on the bed, but THURSTON is gone.
[Music fade in: Just A Gigolo by David Lee Roth]
[Lights fade in]
[Song fades out]
[THURSTON enters stage right. He yawns and scratches himself, as if getting ready to go to bed.)
THURSTON: (To audience) I bought a bag of Doritos and finished them all on the walk back. All in a day's work for the world’s greatest indie superstar. Hey, how’s everyone enjoying the play?
[Audience applause]
THURSTON: (Addressing audience) How about that intermission? Pretty long, am I right? (Pause for audience agreement) Hey, I should probably check on Kim. I think that the Mexican cartel gas should be wearing off just about now.
(THURSTON walks over to Kim's body and peers inside her skin flaps.
THURSTON: (To himself) Hmm, that’s strange.
(THURSTON looks puzzled, not seeing anything inside of Kim’s mutilated body. He checks inside her body again, scratches his chin, then checks under the bed, the lamp, and then the nightstand drawer. This is played for comedic effect, anticipating audience laughter as each place he searches becomes more and more ridiculous.)
THURSTON: (Hands cupped) Oh, Kim.
(No response)
THURSTON: (As if calling out to the ether) Kimmy babe, little tiny Kim Kim, where are you?
(As he says this, Two foot tall KIM GORDON, nude and covered in dry blood, rushes onstage and kicks THURSTON’s shin)
THURSTON: YEOWCH! Why you little-
(THURSTON picks up TWO FOOT TALL KIM GORDON and starts shaking her)
THURSTON: I’m sick and tired of your shit, lying about being a woman of regular height, telling me I can’t hang out with Lydia Lunch aymore, telling me we can’t have Kathleen Hannah fly out for the Bull video, kicking Courtney Love out of the green room, telling Jarbo I said she was fat, I’m through with it!
TWO FOOT TALL KIM GORDON: (pre-recorded cassette voicover yelling nonsense in a chipmunk voice)
THURSTON: An open window, great!
(THURSTON hurls the two foot tall Kim Gordon off stage left)
[Audience Applause]
THURSTON: (To self) Well, that’s the end of that. I’m a free man once again. (Yawns and stretches) Welp, I better hit the hay. We’ve got a big show to play at Red Rocks tomorrow.
(THURSTON gets in bed)
THURSTON: Goodnight, mutilated body of my wife. (Pretends to turn off lamp)
[Lights go out for five seconds. Silence. THURSTON quickly turns the lights back on.)
THURSTON: Wait a minute. How are we gonna play the show without Kim? Fuck-O-Lam-O! (pause for audience laughter) That’s it, I’m calling David Geffen. (Gets up and dials phone. Pause for answer.) David… Yeah, it’s Thurston… You know, Sonic Youth?... Hey, so I’ve got myself into a little, umm, predicament. So, remember how there was a girl in my band?... The bass player?... Yeah, well, she quit today, kinda… No, I don't think she’s coming back… No, not for any amount of money… Well, cause she’s dead… Yeah, it was dumb, but no one can bring her back or anything, and what’s done is done, so, can I quit now?... I mean, quit Sonic Youth so I can do something else?... You aren’t mad or anything?... Ha, me too… Alright, man, take it easy (hangs up phone). (To audience) As a wise man once said, Hanky Panky Nohow. (Curls into bed contentedly and hits the light.)
[Cue Music: Chorus of Hanky Panky Nohow by John Cale]
[Audience Applause, hooting and whistling]
[The lights come back on]
[Conservative comedian, STEVEN CROWDER, appears from stage left.]
STEVEN CROWDER: Thanks for coming out, everyone. I’m Steven Crowder, the host of Louder with Crowder. What did you all think of the show tonight? (Pause for applause) Yeah, that was terrific. Well, if you want to keep good conservative entertainment alive, I urge you all to donate to Stage Right Conservative Theater Company.
[Ushers pass around a patriotic top hat for donations. Everyone donates at least twenty dollars in cash or a check.]
STEVEN CROWDER: That’s right, don’t be conservative in your spending tonight, your donations keep great places like this alive and kicking. And if you don’t have any cash on you tonight, that’s okay, we also accept checks. Simply make them out to Stage Right Theatrics Inc, care of Robert Cooperman. Again, that’s Stage Right Theatrics Inc, care of Robert Cooperman. Hey, can we get a round of applause for Robert Cooperman? (Audience applause for Robert Cooperman) Actually, Robert Cooperman is with us in person tonight! Robert, where are you? (Locates Robert Cooperman in the audience)
[Spotlight shines on Robert Cooperman sitting in the seventh seat from the right on the third row. He is wearing a jacket made out of feathers and a three foot tall patriotic top hat and smoking a cigar.]
STEVEN CROWDER: Stand up, Robert, stand up!
ROBERT COOPERMAN: [Refuse to stand up]
STEVEN CROWDER: Come on, man, get up. The people love you, and they love the play they just watched. Where’s Phil Rot? Is the playwright here in the audience?
[Spotlight moves from ROBERT COOPERMAN to search the audience for Phil Rot.]
STEVEN CROWDER: Come on, he’s gotta be here somewhere! Who doesn’t want to attend their own play? Maybe he’s busy tonight. Can someone call Phil and see if he’s nearby somewhere?
[Searchlights continue to scan the audience]
STEVEN CROWDER: Hold on, let me give him a call. (Pulls out cell phone) Oh no. (Reads text message from ex-wife alerting him that his son is in the hospital and she’s been trying to reach him all night.) Shoot, you guys, I just got some- Uh, I think I have to leave. I’m sorry, it’s my- (thinks about whether or not he should tell the audience about his son) Umm, it’s a family matter I really have to go- I really have to go take care of this. Bye everybody, I’m so sorry about this (Starts calling his ex-wife).
[STEVEN CROWDER exits through the center aisle, holding his cell phone to his ear, waiting for his ex-wife to pick up. It keeps going to voicemail.]
ROBERT COOPERMAN: (To self) What the fuck. I hope everything is okay.
THE END