Chapter One
“Order, order,” the judge ordered, slamming his gavel against his judge desk. “Today we shall begin the trial of one Mr. Humbert Humbert. Mr. Humbert, weird name I know, stands accused of molesting a fourteen year old girl and attempting to weasel out of his culpability in a most vile manner. How do you plead, Mr. Humbert?”
Humbert Humbert stood up, patted down the wrinkle in his shirt, and stated, “Not guilty your honor.”
“Thank you, Mr. Humbert. Well, this isn’t typical courtroom proceedings, but, since you asked to represent yourself this afternoon, I think I and the jury would appreciate it if you would just stand up and tell us all why you feel you’re not guilty of the crimes listed. Save us some time and all that.”
Clearing his throat, Mr. Humbert Humbert began.
“Thank you. Your honor, when I first met Lolita, I had fallen victim to a most cruel and senseless bout of ennui. I tried to fend the tumults of my mood off by listening to DeBussy and Bizet. I attended the ballet and Shakespearian theater. Nothing seemed to help distract me from how sad I was, you know, about existing and stuff.
“To pass those dreary days, I had begun reading the philosophical works of Sartre. Through doing so I became quite reflective, and that reflection caused a, how do you say, mood in me. One day I was just strolling along, thinking about very intellectual matters related to art and commerce, when I saw her sitting in front of her house sunbathing. She had on a simply breathtaking polka dot bikini and heart-shaped glasses to boot.
“At the time, I would have mistaken her for oh, 21, maybe 24. So, being a gentleman of leisure and good sport, I approached the young woman and proposed we go see-” He cleared his throat. “That we go see the little mermaid in theaters. And maybe get ice cream afterwards-”
“Objection!” called out the prosecuting attorney, Sadie Farnsworth. “Your honor, no sane man would ask an adult female to go see the little mermaid in theaters. He had to have suspected she was a child.”
“Order, order,” cried the judge, slamming his gavel upon the gavel slammer. “Mr. Humbert, you may continue your testimony.”
“Well, your honor, seeing as she was a little reluctant to accompany me to the film, which I assure you adults can enjoy as well as children, I proposed that, if she were to accompany me, on the way back I could consider buying her a Barbie Makeup kit. It was really just a shot in the dark, but it seemed to perk her interest-”
“Objection!” Cried out prosecuting attorney, Sadie Farnsworth. “A Barbie makeup kit is something that you buy a little girl, not something you would give to a grown ass woman. This man is nothing more than a pompous and unrepentant pedophile.”
“Actually,” Humbert interjected. “The term you are looking for would be ‘hebephile,’ that’s an attraction to girls between the ages of 9 and 17.”
“Objection, he’s trying to be cute.”
“Order, order!” Shrieked the judge, smashing his law mallet against the wooden circle.
“Members of the jury, I just wanna be upfront here and admit, yes, I knew she was probably under 18, but if you’ve ever taken the time to read the works of such well regarded French thinkers as Deluz and Foucault, you would understand the deep, soulful bond that an adult can form with a young woman. In fact, in many European countries the age of consent is 16. Here,” he said, raising the book in his hand, “let me read you this passage from ‘Histoire de la sexualité-’ .
But before he could start reading his pedo horseshit, a courtroom guard in leather pants burst into a fit of rage. Pointing a finger at Mr. Humbert, he said “Motherfucker, I’m tired of watching creeps like you try and get out of this shit by citing famous French philosophers.”
The courtroom let out a collective gasp.
“I think you and every last French intellectual on this earth should be killed.” The guard wiped a tear from his eye and continued. “When I was a child, some pseudo-intellectual just like yourself lured me into his van using the same kind of existential bullshit, hypno-predatory tactics that you used on this young girl. After he was finished with me. He moved on to another, younger boy, and when I tried to tell my parents, they started citing some old studies put outby the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft. Well, I’m tired of this crap and I’m gonna end you right here!”
The guard charged Humbert Humbert.
“Please, don’t do this!” Mr. Humbert pleaded. “I’m teaching an erotic film course at Reed next semester!”
“How about I teach you how to lick your own asshole,” Shouted the guard, grabbing Mr. Humbert by the scruff of his shirt.
“Order, order!” The judge slammed the desk with the wooden hammer thing. Two other guards rushed towards Humbert and his attacker.
“No, stop!” The judge commanded. “Actually, let’s just see how this plays out.”
The Guard in the leather pants slugged Humbert in his jaw, then grabbed him by his scrawny neck and curled him around into the shape of a donut. He then forced Humber face into his own asshole.
“You see dickwad, this is where people like you spend most of their lives, up your own asshole! Well, how does it smell you rotten nonce? How does it fucking smell??”
Humbert Humbert tried to reply, but then his neck swiftly snapped. Everyone in the courtroom watched with bated breath as the stupid pedophile suffocated in his own asshole.
After Justice had been served, every single member of that courtroom stormed out to drive to various libraries all around the United States. There, they burned every book by Focault, Magnus Hirschfield, Alfred Kinsey, and Allen Ginsberg that they could get their hands on. It was one of the greatest moments in African American history.
Unfortunately, as a result of this bold act, all of their bank accounts were suspended. Fight as they might, they were no longer allowed to withdraw or deposit any funds. In the end, they all either succumbed to poverty or agreed to go on humiliating apology tours.
Afterward by the Author
Thank you for reading this wonderful book. I asked A.I. what it thought of the story. Here was its response:
The story effectively satirizes the way some intellectuals use complex philosophical concepts to justify or excuse morally reprehensible behavior, such as child abuse. This is achieved through several literary techniques:
Hyperbolic language and exaggeration: The author uses over-the-top descriptions and scenarios to highlight the absurdity of Humbert Humbert's justifications. For example, the courtroom guard's violent outburst and the subsequent book burning are clearly exaggerated for comedic and satirical effect.
Juxtaposition of high and low culture: The story juxtaposes references to high culture (DeBussy, Bizet, Sartre) with elements of low culture (The Little Mermaid, Barbie makeup kits). This creates a sense of incongruity and absurdity, mocking Humbert's attempts to intellectualize his pedophilic desires.
Irony and sarcasm: The author employs irony and sarcasm throughout the narrative to expose the hypocrisy and self-delusion of Humbert Humbert. For example, Humbert's insistence on using the term "hebephile" to describe himself ironically highlights his pedantic and evasive nature.
Mockery of intellectualism: The story ridicules the tendency of some intellectuals to use complex jargon and obscure philosophical concepts to shield themselves from criticism or accountability. This is evident in Humbert's attempt to cite Foucault's "Histoire de la sexualité" as a defense for his actions.
Abrupt and farcical ending: The story concludes with a sudden and absurd turn of events, where the courtroom guard kills Humbert and the crowd burns books by various intellectuals. This ending serves to emphasize the irrationality and futility of Humbert's intellectual justifications.
Through these techniques, the author successfully satirizes the misuse of intellectualism and exposes the arrogance and pretension of those who attempt to rationalize immoral behavior.
Great story! I hope Lolita 3: The Great Purge features a woodchipper.
hahahaha