Thome Yorke’s Letter to Puffy

This week, I am presenting a thought experiment, a tone poem if you will, that I came up with at Dave and Busters. I love Dave and Busters. I know it’s a good place to throw a father’s birthday party, but it’s also a great place to make friends. There’s this guy there, Terry, he works on cars and stuff. I paid him $200 to check my laptop for viruses. Thankfully, it was virus free. Anyways, I’ve been super duper busy working on a new novella, so in the meantime, enjoy this stream of genius work of literary speculation on the lives of those who’ve contributed so much to the arts we appreciate and enjoy.

Thom Yorke’s Letter to Puffy

By Phil Rot

Thomas Yorke had so much fun at P Diddy‘s white party. He decided one day that he would sit down and write the famous musician a letter. After fiddling around on the guitar for some 27 minutes, he sat it down and turned to his Writing task, he pulled a fresh sheath of paper from his Egyptian leather paper box set it on the desk dipped his Quill into a fresh pot of ink and began his letter. I can’t tell you exactly what the letter say- I mean said, but I think it went something like this…

Dear Shawn Diddy Combs,

Blimey, I had such a fun time at your party. 😜 There were so many fun activities. My favorite activity was the balloon relay race with all of the other rappers and Jewish people. 🕎 I was nervous to talk to the Black people there, but you made me feel at home right away. Your assistant, Mr. Poopoo, is such a lovely man. He presented me with a tiny tin box full of musical bells, miniature, musical bells, and I have been composing a new song on them for the next Radiohead album. 🎸 I also had so much fun at the pool. I was afraid to take off my shirt because I thought all of my gang tattoos might make some of the Black people there uncomfortable. 👨✌️🧔🏿 In the UK, everyone is part of a gang and gets gang tattoos all across their chest. It was really funny when you told me to do a belly flop off the diving board. Of course I didn’t do that, that would hurt my tummy, but looking back, it would’ve been so cool if I did that for real. Human meat tastes so good!! 😋 Please tell Lenny Kravitz that the remark I made that night had nothing to do with race. Here in the UK, there is no such thing as race. We all just get along. The other day I was listening to a Biggie Smalls song, I think it was all about the Benjamins, 💴 anyways, I think it’s a good song. Do you want to write a song with me lump time- I mean sometime? I think that would be neat. I’m thinking about getting a pet snake. 🐍 If I do, I will call him Diddy. If it’s a girl, I will call her Candice Owens. Do you think that would be a good idea? I also want to know if you believe in the Bible. Here in the UK we don’t really believe in the Bible, we read a book called the Koran. ☪️ It’s like the Bible, but more accurate. I would like you to read it sometime and tell me what you think of it. I’m trying to convert our fans to Islam so that they all believe the same things I do. The next Radiohead album will feature a picture of Allah killing Jesus. I think this will get us a lot of publicity. I want to be more famous. 😎 Did you fuck me in the ass? 😳 Thank you for reminding me to grab my LinkedIn hat on the way out. That’s my favorite hat. I had a dream that you put a baby in my mummy’s tummy. 🤰🏼 I want you to make the dream real with my mummy. 🎉

All the best,

Tommy Yorke ✌️ ❤️ 🎶

Ps keep calm and carry on (its a british thing) 🇬🇧

I’m 95% certain that this is what the letter read- I mean said. Something tells me he does not want this letter to get out into the public, so I am doing my best to disclose as much as I can before he tries to hurt me or my family. Outside my window two squirrels are kissing. It’s cloudy and hot. I miss you, mommy. 😢